panic attacks and pills

Rhea, 27, knows that deep hurts take time to heal and we all go through a period of depression, grieving, self-pity and ennui before getting back on track, but after a 'panic attack' and subsequent confrontation with an abusive ex-boyfriend she couldn't cope and had to resort to medication.

"Following a panic attack and the confrontation with that guy I just couldn't sleep, "explains Rhea. "I took a sleeping pill before I went to bed and slept for 10½ hours. I usually only sleep for 6 hours so this was a record!"

"I wondered why it was so warm when I awoke and then I realized with horror that I had forgotten to switch off the heater," sighs Rhea. "That pill must have fuddled my brain or something - and because a fire could have started when I was drugged it is obviously far too risky for me to be taking any more of those pills."

"So, now I must rely on my own resources to recover," says Rhea, "and starting the recovery period by calculating the cost of 10½ hours of extra electricity consumption didn't do much to help me feel better!"

"I'm not entirely blaming the sleeping pill for my forgetting to switch off the heater," says Rhea. "It could have happened purely as the result of stress. I remember once leaving all my shopping bags on the train home from work when I was under stress - and how many of us lock ourselves out of cars or homes and do incredibly stupid things when our minds are disturbed?"

"I spent that day feeling like a slug," relates Rhea. "I had no energy whatsoever and it was a chore just to get out of bed. It was either the after-effects of the pill or the extra warmth in the house - or just a natural big body slump after the stress of the confrontation the day before."

"I looked at my list of dreams to achieve that I had written up before that guy hassled me - when I was feeling good about myself, or better about myself than usual - and I just couldn't get fired up about any of them," says Rhea. "The sun was shining, the birds were singing and normally I'd feel great just for these free and glorious blessings, but I just felt miserable. I realized that I was going to need full recovery and peace of mind in order to get back into my usual routine, so I just spent the day in a funk of depression."

"The day after was not much better," relates Rhea. "I did manage a quick trip to the supermarket and while I was there I indulged in some comfort food. Normally, I don't buy junk food but that day my body must have cried out for fat and sugar and I decided it was smarter to go with the flow, listen to my body, and if it was telling me to take it easy, or eat something strange, then I should do exactly what it tells me to do."

"So, for the next few days I just read, watched television, listened to the radio, slept a lot and did as much housework and personal care as was necessary for minimum standards of hygiene."

"I really had absolutely no energy or desire to go out and do happy things," says Rhea. "Immediately after that guy's telephone call - and for two days afterwards - I forced myself out of the house, but doing happy things didn't work for me then and certainly won't work for me now. You can't force these things, you need energy and desire to do them."

"The downside of cocooning yourself, allowing one day to run into another, is that you forget regular events - such as putting the garbage out - and you even forget what day it is," sighs Rhea. "I had a vague feeling a few days later that it was a Wednesday, but when I checked with my computer clock it said Tuesday!"

"I didn't want to make a fool of myself telephoning someone and asking them what day it was," says Rhea, "so I had to wait until a scheduled program turned up on television before I could confirm my gut feelings - it definitely was Wednesday, not Tuesday!"

"That my computer clock would fail, right now, is just a coincidence." sighs Rhea, "but I felt more confused than ever, feeling that even a computer was conspiring against me!"

"Obviously, I still feel vulnerable, uneasy and unhealed, and scared of that guy," says Rhea. "This feeling is obviously related to the uncertainty of what lies ahead. Will he call again or won't he? Am I safe or am I not? How long do I have before he hassles again?"

"I've been in this depressed state before so I know I will snap out of it eventually," explains Rhea. "I'm depressed, sure, but it's not like I am suffering clinical depression for no good reason. A guy like that hassling you would put anyone into depression!"

"When I run out of food I will be forced to go out again," says Rhea, "and this time I might feel like spending a bit more time out in the world. If I don't, then I will cocoon myself some more until the psychic wound he inflicted on me heals."

"The most cutting hurts I've had in recent years have had more to do with job rejection than personal relationships, so what I am now experiencing is something I haven't felt for a long time," explains Rhea. "Although losing a job for no good reason other than an employer's desire to save money is never anything personal - I am merely a dispensable little cog in a big wheel and if it is not me then it will be someone else - it is, nevertheless, still a hurtful experience, but it's a different type of hurt to what I'm experiencing now."

"My current cutting hurtful experience is personal and it was bad enough to bring on a panic attack," says Rhea, "so I should expect it to take longer to heal than the cut of losing a job."

"In that my job-seeking efforts led to one hurtful experience after another it is difficult to say when I recovered from any of them," sighs Rhea. "The last two years have been a blur of misery in that regard."

"On top of that, I've also had a continuing spate of bad luck on the home front, too," sighs Rhea, "not to mention a continuing spate of health problems that have laid me up for weeks on end."

"I guess I'm just going through a really bad period and things will look up one day," says Rhea, "and getting hassled by that guy - after breaking away from him ages ago - just happened to be the last straw."

"I wonder what he is doing and whether he has any idea of the pain he caused me and the time it is taking me to recover from his hassles," muses Rhea. "I can't imagine why he'd want to call me. He has a lot of friends and fun distractions to take his mind off whatever incident caused him to start hassling me."

"I don't have lots of friends or distractions and I am not the type of person who dumps on people like he does - I prefer to resolve my own problems," says Rhea. "I suppose I should be more vigilant about protecting myself from unexpected hurts, but I really can't do any more than I am doing now. Right now, I don't want to disconnect the telephone, change the locks and barricade the windows and front door against him. That sort of drastic measure is for drastic situations - and I dearly hope he never forces me into doing such things."

"I'm taking each day as it comes," says Rhea. "Although I don't sound too 'positive' right now I know from past experience that one day in the not too distant future I will wake up feeling happy to be alive - free from bad memories - and then I can claim to be fully healed and back on track."

"It's only when you're able to forget - when sufficient time has passed, and sufficient good memories have replaced the bad ones - that you can claim to be fully healed," says Rhea. "You can't push the healing period, it takes time, and if life isn't providing you with lots of new good memories to replace the old bad memories, then the least you can do to help yourself is to protect yourself from any more new bad incidents."

This story first appeared as medication dangers