a road to nowhere

Thelma, 24, has a borderline bi-polar disorder. She swings from manic optimism to deep depression for varied lengths of time and enjoys being the way she is.

"I refuse to accept that I am mentally ill or disabled in any way," says Thelma. "I don't take any medication - I don't need it and I won't take it - and as far as I can see it is a problem that other people have with me rather than a problem I have myself."

"Okay, I can't hold down a job for long and I haven't had a relationship that lasted more than three months," confesses Thelma, "but does that make me much different from most other young people?"

"Most jobs don't last more than three months," laughs Thelma, "and most guys are not worth knowing for more than three months, right?"

"I'm an only child and I live at home with my parents," explains Thelma. "They are very old fashioned and call me unruly but I am just a normal high spirited girl who gets into trouble every now and again. What's wrong with that?"

"When I'm on a high I feel great," laughs Thelma, "and it makes up for all the times I am down."

"My mother keeps telling me 'don't spill the milk and you won't end up crying', " explains Thelma, "and excusing the mixed metaphors this loosely means that I shouldn't play with fire if I don't know how to handle it."

"I never know if I can handle a situation until I am in it," says Thelma, "so warning me not to do things is wasted breath."

"I want to experience as much of life as I can and the only time I can experience life is when I'm on a high."

"When I'm on a downer it's an effort just to get out of bed in the morning," explains Thelma. "And when you live with constant highs and lows like I do you need to flow with it and make the most of the good times."

Thelma's most common troubles are in the relationship department but her most recent 'high' took her in a new direction.

She came out of a low and suddenly decided to take to the road and tour the country.

"No it wasn't a Thelma and Louise thing," laughs Thelma. "I went alone."

"For three weeks it was glorious - just the road and me," says Thelma. "I hardly ever slept - I just kept on going and going and getting further and further off the beaten track."

"I didn't take a phone or much food or clothes with me," says Thelma. "I trusted that the universe would take care of me - and it did."

"In the middle of nowhere I came down with a low," says Thelma. "I went into panic mode. I was frozen with fear. I wanted to get back to my bed. I wanted to hide."

"Luckily a passing motorist found me before I sunk too far and I got dropped off at the closest airport."

"My parents were angry because they had to foot the bill for my air fare and getting my car back home," laughs Thelma. "But I will pay them back one day when I get a job."

"It was a great trip and I am glad I did it," says Thelma. "Most people live their whole lives and never do anything interesting and if living an interesting life means to some people that I am mentally ill then they can think what they like."

"Look at all the great movers and shakers in our history - and in the world today," says Thelma. "They are more like me than you!"

don’t deny menopause

According to Gloria, the big mistake many 40 plus women make as they approach menopause is to deny it is going to happen to them and do crazy things to hold back time.

“All of the crazy things we do – like dyeing our hair, getting a fake sun-tan, wearing trendy gear, and plastering our faces with heavy make-up to cover the scars of our latest plastic surgery are just that – crazy.”

"This look is really, really uncool," says Gloria. "You will not be seen as youthful. You will be seen as sad."

"Instead," laughs Gloria, "get out that suit that makes you look like a granny and wear it with pride. Strip the color from your hair and let the grey shine through. Remove the heavy make-up, especially around the eyes, and wear lip-gloss to protect your lips not to try to make yourself look sexy."

"Everyone knows that your private life is likely to be a bit rough right now," explains Gloria. "Nevertheless, someone of our age, carrying heavy life responsibilities, is expected to be dignified in looks and behavior."

"Most older women cope with life changes without too much fuss," says Gloria, "but the aging process does accelerate after the age of 40 and if nothing else in our private lives is causing us to become difficult or depressed then what's happening to our faces and bodies often seems to take on an importance that dominates our lives."

"Pride in our age gives us a self-esteem that no amount of surgery and potions and lotions can give us,” says Gloria, “and trying to counteract the natural process of menopause by doing everything within our means to look and act younger often backfires in a horrible way."

Read more by Gloria on this issue:

the barbie generation
Act your age

depression or healthy misery?

After the death of her husband, Mark, Emily couldn’t believe that friends were urging her to start dating, to find another man. All she wanted to do was wallow in misery.

“Had I followed their advice I would have been used and abused by some guy,” says Emily. “I was far too vulnerable to expose myself to another man, and I wallowed in misery for about ten months after Mark died, and that was the healthy thing for me to do.”

"Yes," laughs Emily, "there is good healthy misery! I had every right to feel sad about what had happened to me. I had lost a man around whom I had built my life and future happiness. These losses are worthy of time spent in grief."

"I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of worthlessness when Mark died," says Emily. "I felt that I will never love again, and that nobody will ever love me again. Self-esteem usually hits rock bottom during the depression phase of recovery."

"To make matters worse," says Emily, "during this stage everyone around you is scolding you for not getting out there and setting the world on fire. They mean well, they hate to see you so sad, but if you take their advice and start looking for a new life the chances are good that you will end up in a situation that will demoralize you even further."

"There is something about vulnerability that causes all manner of misfortunes to happen to us," she explains, "and while others may try to cajole us into finding a new husband before we have had a chance to grieve we need to understand that starting a new relationship is also a stressful experience and as such might tip our stress scales towards illness."

"When you’ve lost your partner," says Emily, "you have already experienced a shock to your system. You don’t need another one. I believe in avoiding further stress at all costs. It’s the spiritual way to go."

"Ever heard of trouble coming in threes?" asks Emily. “Whether you’ve lost your partner or suffered a major life crisis, the last thing you need is another life crisis to tip you over the edge into the realm of developing a serious illness – that’s why wallowing in misery is a healthy thing to do, for as long as you feel a need to do it.”

Read more about Emily:

till death do us part

surviving death of a loved one

young widow moves forward

panic attacks and pills

Rhea, 27, knows that deep hurts take time to heal and we all go through a period of depression, grieving, self-pity and ennui before getting back on track, but after a 'panic attack' and subsequent confrontation with an abusive ex-boyfriend she couldn't cope and had to resort to medication.

"Following a panic attack and the confrontation with that guy I just couldn't sleep, "explains Rhea. "I took a sleeping pill before I went to bed and slept for 10½ hours. I usually only sleep for 6 hours so this was a record!"

"I wondered why it was so warm when I awoke and then I realized with horror that I had forgotten to switch off the heater," sighs Rhea. "That pill must have fuddled my brain or something - and because a fire could have started when I was drugged it is obviously far too risky for me to be taking any more of those pills."

"So, now I must rely on my own resources to recover," says Rhea, "and starting the recovery period by calculating the cost of 10½ hours of extra electricity consumption didn't do much to help me feel better!"

"I'm not entirely blaming the sleeping pill for my forgetting to switch off the heater," says Rhea. "It could have happened purely as the result of stress. I remember once leaving all my shopping bags on the train home from work when I was under stress - and how many of us lock ourselves out of cars or homes and do incredibly stupid things when our minds are disturbed?"

"I spent that day feeling like a slug," relates Rhea. "I had no energy whatsoever and it was a chore just to get out of bed. It was either the after-effects of the pill or the extra warmth in the house - or just a natural big body slump after the stress of the confrontation the day before."

"I looked at my list of dreams to achieve that I had written up before that guy hassled me - when I was feeling good about myself, or better about myself than usual - and I just couldn't get fired up about any of them," says Rhea. "The sun was shining, the birds were singing and normally I'd feel great just for these free and glorious blessings, but I just felt miserable. I realized that I was going to need full recovery and peace of mind in order to get back into my usual routine, so I just spent the day in a funk of depression."

"The day after was not much better," relates Rhea. "I did manage a quick trip to the supermarket and while I was there I indulged in some comfort food. Normally, I don't buy junk food but that day my body must have cried out for fat and sugar and I decided it was smarter to go with the flow, listen to my body, and if it was telling me to take it easy, or eat something strange, then I should do exactly what it tells me to do."

"So, for the next few days I just read, watched television, listened to the radio, slept a lot and did as much housework and personal care as was necessary for minimum standards of hygiene."

"I really had absolutely no energy or desire to go out and do happy things," says Rhea. "Immediately after that guy's telephone call - and for two days afterwards - I forced myself out of the house, but doing happy things didn't work for me then and certainly won't work for me now. You can't force these things, you need energy and desire to do them."

"The downside of cocooning yourself, allowing one day to run into another, is that you forget regular events - such as putting the garbage out - and you even forget what day it is," sighs Rhea. "I had a vague feeling a few days later that it was a Wednesday, but when I checked with my computer clock it said Tuesday!"

"I didn't want to make a fool of myself telephoning someone and asking them what day it was," says Rhea, "so I had to wait until a scheduled program turned up on television before I could confirm my gut feelings - it definitely was Wednesday, not Tuesday!"

"That my computer clock would fail, right now, is just a coincidence." sighs Rhea, "but I felt more confused than ever, feeling that even a computer was conspiring against me!"

"Obviously, I still feel vulnerable, uneasy and unhealed, and scared of that guy," says Rhea. "This feeling is obviously related to the uncertainty of what lies ahead. Will he call again or won't he? Am I safe or am I not? How long do I have before he hassles again?"

"I've been in this depressed state before so I know I will snap out of it eventually," explains Rhea. "I'm depressed, sure, but it's not like I am suffering clinical depression for no good reason. A guy like that hassling you would put anyone into depression!"

"When I run out of food I will be forced to go out again," says Rhea, "and this time I might feel like spending a bit more time out in the world. If I don't, then I will cocoon myself some more until the psychic wound he inflicted on me heals."

"The most cutting hurts I've had in recent years have had more to do with job rejection than personal relationships, so what I am now experiencing is something I haven't felt for a long time," explains Rhea. "Although losing a job for no good reason other than an employer's desire to save money is never anything personal - I am merely a dispensable little cog in a big wheel and if it is not me then it will be someone else - it is, nevertheless, still a hurtful experience, but it's a different type of hurt to what I'm experiencing now."

"My current cutting hurtful experience is personal and it was bad enough to bring on a panic attack," says Rhea, "so I should expect it to take longer to heal than the cut of losing a job."

"In that my job-seeking efforts led to one hurtful experience after another it is difficult to say when I recovered from any of them," sighs Rhea. "The last two years have been a blur of misery in that regard."

"On top of that, I've also had a continuing spate of bad luck on the home front, too," sighs Rhea, "not to mention a continuing spate of health problems that have laid me up for weeks on end."

"I guess I'm just going through a really bad period and things will look up one day," says Rhea, "and getting hassled by that guy - after breaking away from him ages ago - just happened to be the last straw."

"I wonder what he is doing and whether he has any idea of the pain he caused me and the time it is taking me to recover from his hassles," muses Rhea. "I can't imagine why he'd want to call me. He has a lot of friends and fun distractions to take his mind off whatever incident caused him to start hassling me."

"I don't have lots of friends or distractions and I am not the type of person who dumps on people like he does - I prefer to resolve my own problems," says Rhea. "I suppose I should be more vigilant about protecting myself from unexpected hurts, but I really can't do any more than I am doing now. Right now, I don't want to disconnect the telephone, change the locks and barricade the windows and front door against him. That sort of drastic measure is for drastic situations - and I dearly hope he never forces me into doing such things."

"I'm taking each day as it comes," says Rhea. "Although I don't sound too 'positive' right now I know from past experience that one day in the not too distant future I will wake up feeling happy to be alive - free from bad memories - and then I can claim to be fully healed and back on track."

"It's only when you're able to forget - when sufficient time has passed, and sufficient good memories have replaced the bad ones - that you can claim to be fully healed," says Rhea. "You can't push the healing period, it takes time, and if life isn't providing you with lots of new good memories to replace the old bad memories, then the least you can do to help yourself is to protect yourself from any more new bad incidents."

This story first appeared as medication dangers

mental health self-medicators?

Doctors once recommended smoking to alleviate anxiety and Didi’s mom swore by it as a sanity saver before she died at 85 leaving Didi as sole carer for her dad – both of whom cope with grief and underlying depression by being self-medicating cigarette smokers.

"I had quit smoking hundreds of times before I moved back home to become my mom's caregiver," says Didi, "and it was only then that I finally faced the fact that some people really need to smoke for their mental health."

"The quitting process and maintaining a smoke-free life forever -- without becoming obese or crazy -- is extremely stressful and probably more a health hazard than continuing to smoke," says Didi, "and this is particularly true for a smoker who has underlying depression like I had."

"I believe smoking is a personal choice and smokers should be made aware of all the facts -- for and against," says Didi. "Right now, the media is totally lopsided in favor of the anti-smoking lobby and this is not just unfair it's negligent because its use in helping with mental health issues has been deliberately suppressed."

"Who is taking responsibility for fragile ex-smokers who take up harder drugs, become obese and diabetic or develop a full-blown mental disease?" asks Didi. "Nobody, that's who.”

“Doctors are far too busy to personally supervise every smoker who quits, and all the anti-smoking fanatics care about is themselves."

"Like my dad says, the anti-smokers have spawned a multi-million dollar industry around us," sighs Didi. "First they created the fear of lung cancer, then they lobbied governments to enact laws against smokers and exact levies from them -- not to be used, as promised, to pay for the so-called medical costs of smoking but to pay for the salaries of the lobbyists -- and then the psycho-medico professionals and the pharmaceutical industry jumped on the band-wagon with their mumbo jumbo cessation therapies and snake oil patches and potions."

“Why can’t they see that people with mental health issues need to smoke?”

Read more by Didi on this issue:

dealing with elderly parents and doctors

Anti-smoking vaccine?

War vet victimized for smoking