elbows, x-rays and terrorist doctors

It is no surprise to Erina that medical doctors have been roped into the Islamic terrorist cause because they are already at the forefront in the fanatic anti-smoking crusade and fully experienced in terrorizing hapless patients.

"One of the most surprising anti-smoking tirades I have ever encountered came from a GP I visited for a swollen elbow," says Erina. "In the course of the consultation he asked about my medical history and then -- as if required by a Mullah to do so -- asked whether I smoked."

"When I said, yes, he wanted to know how many, how often and what type of cigarette and abused me savagely when I refused to co-operate on the grounds that it was totally unrelated to my complaint and,frankly, none of his business."

"He then insisted that I get an X-ray on my elbow and sent me to a radiologist," relates Erina. "I should have suspected his motives, but I trusted that he would do me no harm."

"The radiologist turned out to be a sour-faced woman who told me get undressed," sighs Erina. "I protested, asking why I needed to get undressed for an elbow X-ray, and she told me to do as she said or get a referral to another radiologist."

"Terrorized into doing what she said," says Erin, "I was then told to stand on a metal contraption and she went behind a screen."

"I felt terribly uncomfortable and asked where was the lead vest to protect my body -- and what exactly she was X-raying," says Erin, "and she raved on about sunlight and air flight exposing us to more radiation than her machine -- in which case why was she hiding behind a screen? -- and told me that the referring doctor had recommended a chest X-ray and a shoulder X-ray as well."

"At that, I jumped off the contraption and told her that I didn't want any X-rays," says Erin, "and her face turned to thunder and she stormed out."

"I have no idea whether or not she had X-rayed my body without my permission -- and at what strength," says Erin, "but it was pretty obvious that she was in collusion with the GP and intended to intimidate me -- if not do me terrible harm."

"I would imagine he told her that I was a smoker and was to be given 'the works'," sighs Erin. "I decided against reporting them to the medical authority because I had no evidence of their improper behavior and besides which the medical authority is the body behind the anti-smoking crusade and might do me more harm."

"It would be like going to a mosque to complain about terrorist bombings, wouldn't it?"

"After the latest terrorist activities by Islamic doctors in London and Glasgow, everyone threw up their arms in horror that people trained to heal could really set out to kill," sighs Erin, "but how short our memories are. What about Dr Harold Shipman, the granny murderer, and Dr Josef Mengele, the Angel of Death at Auschwitz, and the 15 German physicians and scientists who were convicted at the Nuremberg Medical Trial? And what about the thousands of hapless patients who die or are maimed each week by the negligent or murderous actions of ordinary doctors?"

"Doctors, like lawyers and accountants and everyone else in privileged positions are fallible human beings first and foremost and you never know what's going on in their heads and what diabolical agenda they may have."

"The doctor I visited was not a well-looking man and I assuaged my fury at being mistreated by him by presuming he's riddled with some incurable venereal disease that a smoking prostitute had given him -- and was on a mission to debase all female smokers he came across in his work," sighs Erin. "Either that, or he was a total control freak -- an epithet that fits all fanatics and crusaders, whatever their cause - and smoking was his pet hate."

"My swollen elbow healed within days -- without any medication," adds Erin, "but my general health was poor for at least six months after that incident, and I was terrified when my hair started falling out. It may have been coincidence, but I fear that I was, indeed, deliberately exposed to harmful radiation."

"Forget about Islamic terrorists," says Erin. "We're all at risk from terrorist doctors pushing some ideological barrow -- be it smoking, obesity, drinking or whatever."

dental drama queen

Phaedra earns a living in front of the camera so her face -- particularly her smile -- is her fortune. She is 34, single and fastidious in oral hygiene but complains bitterly that every time she visits her dentist for a minor procedure, such as a check-up or a clean, she invariably experiences a major procedure immediately afterwards.

"I have a feeling that every time the dentist checks or cleans my teeth he deliberately -- or otherwise -- creates trouble," says Phaedra.

"Those instruments that the dentists use are very sharp and a slight nick in the gum can cause a major infection -- and stabbing at a natural groove in a tooth or a filling can crack the tooth."

"We all know that the mouth is the most germ-laden part of the body - as well as being the major point of entry for foreign germs," says Phaedra, "and I've finally come to the conclusion that visiting the dentist is a major health hazard."

"If the cuts in our mouth that the dentist creates when he pokes around in there with his sharp instruments don't become infected with the germs already in our mouth then they will certainly get infected by the foreign germs he introduces into our mouths."

"My teeth and gums are in better shape than most people's," says Phaedra, "and I am constantly amazed when I have to spit out a mouthful of blood after a dental clean or check."

"That blood has to come from cuts the dentist made in my mouth, right?"

"And once the germs get into those cuts it's either an abscess I have to deal with or a few days of feeling unwell while my immune system adjusts to the invasion."

"More insidious, though," says Phaedra, "is the constant chipping away the dentist does to existing fillings - or natural grooves in the teeth."

"In the check-up procedure all fillings and grooves must be checked for caries, but I'm pretty sure that if these proddings are done vigorously and often enough they can actually cause the problem they are designed to prevent."

"Within days of a minor, preventative dental procedure I have several times suffered a major procedure," says Phaedra.

"A tooth will start aching and I've had to return for X-rays and more proddings - and invariably the dentist will suggest a root canal procedure to remove the nerve."

"The most regular trouble I've had, though," says Phaedra, "is a gum abscess. That this sort of thing occurs so often after a dental check-up leaves me with no alternative but to believe these abscesses are caused by germs introduced by cuts made by the dentist."

"I've learned through bitter experience that when a gum abscess comes up it is better to go to the doctor for a course of antibiotics than return to the dentist!"

"The dentist will drill away at the tooth - when the problem is an infection in the gum - and before you know it you are up for another root canal procedure or a carving away of the gum that causes even more problems."

"I had an abscess in the gum near a front lower tooth - and rather than recommending a course of antibiotics the dentist suggested gum surgery," says Phaedra.

"As a result of that gum surgery I was left with a 'long in the tooth smile' and I fear that I could lose two perfectly good lower front teeth because without a gum holding them in place they have become loose."

"Bearing in mind that I visit my dentist regularly in order to protect my smile - and my livelihood," says Phaedra, "the gum surgery I had was a major disaster for me. I have had to change my smile so that I don't show my lower teeth - isn't that an abominable situation?"

"I would hate to think that dentists deliberately cause problems in order to line their pockets," says Phaedra, "but when someone is a businessmen first and foremost I am pretty sure that ethics can be abused."

"Until I got wise I spent more time at the dentist's than I did at the beauty parlor - and the cost was astronomical."

"Because I need to look good in my work it is not the money I am complaining about - I would spend every penny I have to protect my teeth if I had to - but be damned if I am going to pay for totally unnecessary dental suffering and complications caused by venal and unscrupulous dentists."

"I have not visited a dentist now for over a year," says Phaedra, "and despite my dentist sending me dire warnings about all the dreadful things that could happen if I don't have regular check-ups - which is exactly what you would expect him to say - I have had no trouble whatsoever."

"Doesn't that tell you something?"