dragons vs. mammoths

At a neighbor's BBQ party one weekend Dione was sitting apart from the crowd, minding her own business and having a smoke when she was approached by a little boy -- whose parents she didn't know -- who asked if she was a dragon.

"I had to laugh because obviously the little boy had never seen anyone smoking before," says Dione, "but when I asked who his parents were and checked them out it was apparent that they had deliberately used him to make me feel uncomfortable. They were looking at us and snickering, their blubberous bodies shaking with mirth."

"The little boy was too young to understand the derogatory meaning of the dragon word and I wasn't going to make a fuss of the incident," says Dione, "yet it's interesting how smoking has become so non-PC around the western world that whole generations of kids are growing up not knowing what a cigarette is (but accepting obesity as normal)."

"For their sake being unfamiliar with cigarettes is probably a good thing," says Dione, "but for this little boy whose parents were not only obese but drunk at 4pm and likely to drive home even more over the legal limit than they were already I wondered how better off he would be in the New World Order providing, of course, he lives long enough at the hands of his parents to experience it."

"When adult anti-smokers argue that if God wanted us to smoke he would have made us with a chimney, it's easy to retaliate," says Dione, "but what do you say to a little boy when he asks: why are you breathing smoke, are you a dragon?"

"I was in a good mood and had time to spare so I asked him if he had ever been in an airplane -- yes -- and then I asked him if it made him feel like he was flying like a bird -- yes -- and then I asked him if he was a bird and he replied -- of course not, I'm a boy."

"Is that because you're not flying now, I asked him, and he replied yes, I'm only a bird when I fly in an airplane."

"Well, I said to him, I'm only a dragon when I smoke."

"He thought that was cool and seemed satisfied and not wanting to be accused of perverting the minds of little children I told him to go back to his mommy."

"That night I thought about all the things we do that God never intended us to do," says Dione, "and came to the conclusion that if smoking is the Devil's work then what on earth isn't?"

"I'm presuming here, of course, that the anti-smoking crusaders are religious fanatics," says Dione. "I have no idea who they are apart from the fact that the ASH organization was started by the lawyer who sued the tobacco companies -- John Banzhaf -- who, incidentally, is now going after the fat food companies so watch out little boy's mom, you're next!"

"I can picture little boy's mom at a BBQ in, say, the year 2020," says Dione. "She's sitting there apart from the crowd, minding her own business and a little boy who's never seen a fat lady asks his slim mom what is that thing over there and mom replies -- it's a mammoth!"

"I hope the mammoth lady has as much aplomb as the dragon lady when the little boy approaches her and asks the inevitable question," laughs Dione. "Chances are she wouldn't even know what a mammoth was but after years of dirty looks and snickers about her weight she would understand clearly what was meant."

"Don't take me wrong, I'm not being mean to overweight people," explains Dione. "Most of them are happy fatties, nice to be around, it's just the PC slobs who think they're better than I am that annoy me."

"And I'm not being mean about people who drink to excess either," explains Dione. "I just don't think they should be getting plastered around children, especially when they have to drive a child home."

"Normally I wouldn't smoke when children are around -- and I didn't expect any at my neighbor's BBQ," says Dione. "I was told later that the couple with the little boy were friends of friends who hadn't really been invited, so I'm NOT going to apologize for smoking in the open air within view of a child."

"Frankly, I can't believe that the time has come when I feel threatened by these situations," sighs Dione. "I suppose I've had years of warnings that the anti-smokers were gaining ground, but somehow I thought sanity would prevail."

"You read books about what happened in Germany when Hitler came to power and you think: why didn't the Jews leave Germany when the insults and vilification started? If they couldn't sell their homes and businesses then why didn't they just save their lives and run? Were they suckers for punishment, or what?"

"I guess they thought that sanity would prevail, too," sighs Dione. "They never thought that their friends, neighbors and work colleagues would be silly enough to swallow all the anti-Jewish propaganda that the Third Reich churned out. Well, they were wrong, weren't they?"

"Just like the Nazi's used insulting and hate-provoking pictures to poison the minds of law-abiding German Christians -- showing Jews with hook noses, greasy hair and ugly faces -- along with lurid propaganda accusing Jews of polluting the German race," sighs Dione, "the anti-smoking crusaders are using similar hate-provoking pictures of diseased smokers along with equally nasty propaganda about passive smoking to poison the minds of non-smokers against smokers."

"And they are doing their most destructive work in schools, teaching kids to rip cigarettes out of their parents' mouths and reporting them for child abuse," says Dione. "Watch out for a new Hitler Youth emerging -- and they're definitely out to get the fatties next!"

"The modus operandi of the anti-smoking crusaders is so similar to that of the Nazis that I'm amazed the Holocaust Survivors haven't come out in vocal protest -- whether they smoke or not."

"If law-abiding German Christians could stand by like sheep while Jews -- and then homosexuals, the disabled, gypsies and political dissenters -- were victimized and then exterminated in gas chambers, then I have no doubt that our people will similarly stand by like sheep while smokers -- and then fatties, SUV owners, gun owners, political dissenters and you name it, probably the old and disabled as well -- are similarly victimized and possibly exterminated, too."

"So far, most of my friends, neighbors and work colleagues remain tolerant of smokers," says Dione, "but some have definitely turned nasty and I'm wondering what the rest will do when the inevitable smoking ban and its punishments come into force."

"Will they report me to the smoking police and get me locked up?"

"Will my smoking friends and I have to find an Anne Frank-like attic to hide in until the madness is over?"

"Will a Schindler emerge with a list of smokers to save?"

"Should I start making plans to emigrate to cigar-loving Cuba now -- before the borders close and I'm trapped?"

"Think about it, folks, is promoting hate and fear the right way to go about changing behavior in others that you don't like?" asks Dione. "If the anti-smoking crusaders genuinely wanted to help smokers live a healthy, happy and long life wouldn't they be going about it in a more Christian-like manner?"

"Oh, oh, if they're not Christians then what are they? Buddhists? Hindus? Muslims? Atheists? White Supremacist? Communists?" asks Dione. "They can't possibly be Jews, can they?"

"I smoke because I like it and because in a free society I believe I have the right to do as I please as long as it's within the law and not infringing on the rights of others," says Dione. "When the sale of cigarettes is banned, my country will no longer be free and fit to live in and I pity the little boys and girls growing up without knowing what freedom is -- and what dragons and mammoths are."

"Dragons may be mythical creatures," adds Dione, "but even so it's nice to speculate that maybe dragons and mammoths became extinct because the animal world turned against fire-breathers and fatties."

Dione's story first appeared as fire-breathing dragon ladies and is reprinted with permission.

seven bridges to weight loss

Without enough money to book an exotic holiday -- and feeling glad in a way that they would avoid airport crushes and possible terrorist strikes -- Giovanna decided to treat the kids to a holiday experience in their own city craftily designed to whip herself (and them) into shape!

"At first they were happy, thinking it would mean movies and McDonald's every day," laughs Giovanna, "but they moaned and groaned and tried to make me feel like a mean and nasty mom when they heard what I had in mind."

"Around where I live there are seven bridges," says Giovanna, "and I proposed that we walked all of them."

"We all needed to lose a bit of weight and it sounded like a healthy thing to do and hopefully a fun thing, too," says Giovanna, "and I was right on both counts. It was the best experience we could have had."

"We started off with the nearest bridge, about an hour's walk away, and packed a picnic lunch," says Giovanna. "It was strange leaving the car at home, but I reminded the kids that we were having an adventure. We were on holiday!"

"Actually, the first walk took us much longer than an hour, but that was okay," says Giovanna. "We weren't out to break any records and I didn't push the kids to walk faster because I wanted them to enjoy themselves and look forward to the next bridge walk."

"My daughter is 8 and surprisingly she coped much better with the walk than my son, 10," says Giovanna. "I suppose he thought we were doing something girly, and didn't care, but when he saw how his sister was way ahead of him he woke up to himself."

"As we walked, we talked and laughed and pointed out things that interested us,"says Giovanna, "and reaching the first bridge was a wonderful achievement. The picnic was a welcome reward, and although I expected fatigue on the walk home it wasn't an issue at all. In fact, we all seemed to gain extra energy!"

"I'm so glad the first bridge walk was a pleasant experience because it would have been very difficult getting them to accompany me on the second bridge walk --two hours walk away!"

"The next day they were up before I was, excitedly talking about the second bridge walk," laughs Giovanna. "And we made it in less than two hours. Suddenly,it had become a goal to achieve, a mountain to climb, and I was so proud of my kids for taking it on like a real challenge."

"Yes, we made all seven bridge walks and the only one we had any trouble with was the fifth one, which didn't have pedestrian access."

"We walked for miles around it, trying to find a way to walk the bridge,but apparently it was for vehicles only and this information wasn't mentioned on the map we used," sighs Giovanna. "Several passing motorists honked us and one guy shouted out something about a crazy lady. It was a nasty experience."

"We got home about 11pm after the fifth bridge walk, hungry, thirsty and exhausted -- feeling disappointed that we couldn't claim it as an actual walk over the bridge -- and I didn't think the kids would want to try the 6th and 7th bridge walk," says Giovanna, "but to their credit they did."

"They're back at school now and I'm back at work, and we still talk about our bridge walking holiday as the most exciting thing we've ever done."

"It's the first holiday we've had -- at home or away -- where we did something memorable together and in doing so we became very close and shared thoughts that we otherwise would have kept to ourselves."

"I got to know my kids really well on the bridge walks," says Giovanna, "and I'm so proud of them both for being little troopers, and slimmer little troopers now, too."

(Giovanna's story first appeared as bridge walking and is reprinted with permission.)

a menopausal hump

Bridie's husband walked out on her and the kids when she started having menopausal symptoms and although she was glad to get rid of him she is now realizing that running a business on top of being a menopausal mom is a hump she is going to have to bear for some time.

"He was a sex addict and I just wasn't interested in being his sex-toy any more," says Bridie. "I don't know whether menopause had anything to do with it – it probably did – but I was just too busy with my secretarial business and too tired at the end of the day what with the kids and everything else to bother about sex any more."

"He called me a cold fish -- and other delightful epithets," laughs Bridie, "but I think his problem was that he was jealous of my success."

"Most of the time, now, I just wish I could throw it all in and get a regular job," sighs

Bridie. "I don't know whether it is my hormones egging me on or my intuition, but whatever it is I have very strong feelings about being unable to cope."

"By the time I get the kids off to school and come home I am ready for a nap, not work," says Bridie. "And the time between then and when I pick the kids up from school is so short that I barely get anything done."

"It's absolutely abominable during the school vacation periods," says Bridie. "I am literally tearing my hair out and suffering hot flashes like you'd never believe."

"I’ve thought about HRT," says Bridie, "but I don't want to deal with all the risks that go with it."

"Most of my work I do at night -- when the kids are in their rooms, the cooking and washing up has been done and all is peaceful," says Bridie. "Sometimes I am up until 3am typing up reports and stuff for clients, and with every keystroke I am kicking myself saying what on earth am I doing this for when I could be enjoying a regular job with regular hours and people my own age around me rather than geriatric neighbors dropping by for a chat."

"If I had known that I would end up as a single parent I would never have started the business," says Bridie. "No woman can be expected to run a business, a home and a family all by herself -- especially when she is menopausal."

"I keep on telling myself that in about five years' time the kids will be all grown up, I'll be over the menopause and I'll be thankful like hell that I have a business to keep me busy," says Bridie. "All I need to do is get over this hump without falling to pieces."

Read more about Bridie:

good riddance to bad rubbish