lumpy, swollen itchy breasts

When Elina, 34, developed an itch on a left breast that was already lumpy and swollen -- in contrast to a right breast that was perfectly normal -- she feared the worst immediately and it wasn't until much later that she joined the dots between her recent weight gain and this new development.

"I saw my doctor immediately and had an ultrasound scan taken -- preliminary to having a breast X-ray -- and as nothing malign came up I was advised to chill out and come back later if the symptoms persisted."

"I know that doctors are busy and 99% of the stuff we see them for is trivial or imaginary," says Elina, "but I expected a bit more advice than that."

"I was particularly going crazy from the itch, trying all sorts of creams without relief," says Elina, "and in desperation I turned to the Internet for advice -- which is not always a good thing to do as you either find something that scares the wits out of you, or someone who is trying to cash in on your misery by selling you something useless or dangerous in other respects."

"Well, I found plenty of stuff that scared the wits out of me because an itchy breast, apparently, is one of the signs of breast cancer, as is a swollen, lumpy breast and discomfort on one side," sighs Elina, "and I started to think that perhaps I should get a second opinion."

"As I familiarized myself with the other signs of breast cancer, though, I calmed down."

"There was no lump or mass present in my armpit, there was no nipple discharge, there was no nipple retraction, there was no change in the appearance of the breast or nipple (no redness, veins or dimples), no hot sensation in the breast, and certainly no weight loss, bone pain, skin ulceration or swelling of one arm)."

"I already knew, of course, that many women have one breast bigger than another and although my breasts had always been the same size I rationalized that as a woman gets older it's not extraordinary that her breasts change in size and shape, and that there’s nothing to be gained from wondering why a left breast rather than a right breast decides to change -- it may have something to do with the way I sleep or a natural left leaning similar to the way men dress to the right or left.”

"Finally, because I had gained quite a bit of weight over the year," explains Elina, "I concluded that this, rather than anything else, may account for the swollen and lumpy left breast. That extra food I’d been eating had to go somewhere!"

"But what about the itch?"

"I removed my bra and took a good look at my breasts and saw a pressure mark across my left breast, right across the nipple, where my bra had squashed my breast."

"I had read somewhere that the best thing you can do for your breasts is to let them hang free," laughs Elina, "and even though the thought of flopping around without a bra was pretty scary, I decided to give it a try."

"You know what? The itch disappeared overnight."

"I guess what I have to do now is to either lose my excess weight or buy a bigger bra, stuffing the right cup with cotton wool to compensate for its smaller size."

"Who would have thought that gaining weight would have resulted in such a silly health crisis," sighs Elina, "but that's what happens when so much media attention is given to breast cancer -- everyone imagines that the slightest change in their breasts is something sinister."

"I'm sure bowel cancer is far more prevalent than breast cancer, and I can understand now why it’s not given as much media attention -- the doctors couldn't stand it," laughs Elina. "With so many fatties around these days, suffering frequent changes in bowel movements, anal itches and endless gas, who'd want to be a doctor dealing with an endless stream of patients worried unnecessarily about bowel cancer?"

"Breast cancer scaremongering is, in contrast, so much nicer, cleaner and easier to deal with," says Elina, "but I have to accept that despite the lucrative aspect of the breast cancer industry it does pick up on early cancers in a minority of women and that's a good thing I suppose.”

“Too bad about those of us destined for bowel cancer!"

mammogram misery

Belle is single, 48, and suffers from painful, engorged and lumpy breasts. Apparently, according to her doctor, it's a very common hormonal problem suffered by menopausal women and nothing to worry about, but just to cover all angles she was sent for a breast cancer screening test. The mammogram experience was so awful that she will never subject herself willingly to anything like that again.

"My breasts were already painful and engorged," explains Belle, "so you can imagine the excruciating pain I went through when those X-ray plates squashed down on my breasts."

"The woman who was operating the breast X-ray machine must have been a masochist," sighs Belle. "Every time I cried in agony she would press harder -- and if that was not bad enough one of the X-rays did not 'take' very well which meant that I had to go through all that misery again."

"I came out of the X-ray room in tears," says Belle, "and the other women seated outside waiting their turn to be put through the breast wringer looked very worried when they saw me crying -- and they had good reason to be worried."

"The breast X-ray machine has to be the most abominable contraption ever invented -- and it must have been invented by a misogynist, a man who really hates women."

"I've learned since that there is a new procedure for testing for breast cancer that does not involve torture," says Belle, "but it beats me why they didn't think of something more gentle to start off with."

"I bet there is no ball or penis squashing X-ray machine to check for testicular and penile cancer in men, " laughs Belle. "The male dominated medical profession is very, very gentle when it deals with male problems."

"And the male dominated medical profession is not just gentle but downright secretive when it deals with male problems."

"Whoever heard of testicular, penile and prostate cancer before recent years?" asks Belle.

"Men have been suffering from these forms of cancer for as long as women have suffered from breast cancer," claims Belle, "but it was pictures of menopausal women with their breasts being squashed in the X-ray machine that were plastered over our television screens and in all of the magazines -- not pictures of middle-aged men and their crown jewels in similar compromising situations."

"Men pretended that they never had any problems -- it was all hushed up."

"And because men diagnosed with testicular, penile or prostate cancer suffer side-effects such as incontinence and impotence from treatment," adds Belle, "a lot of male doctors felt that mass screening wouldn't work for men as well as it does for women."

"In fact they agree among themselves that the cure is worse than the illness -- and that men would prefer not to know if they have cancer of their private parts."

"Well, as far as I can see it is virtually the same thing for women but that didn't stop the male dominated medical profession from recommending mass screening for breast cancer, did it?"

"Women are treated as stupid sheep as far as health matters are concerned," sighs Belle, "and unfortunately most of us have been brought up to accept that demeaning role."

"I found out later that my doctor could have sent me for a breast ultrasound rather than an mammogram," says Belle. "Why he chose to put me through that agony rather than go the gentle route worries me."

"Actually, there is something else that happened at the breast screening clinic that I need to tell women about," adds Belle.

"After the mammogram a male doctor did a physical examination and the first thing he said when he walked into the room and saw me sitting there bare-breasted was 'what a lovely pair of breasts you have for a 48 year-old-woman'."

"I hope I'm not sounding like an ingrate -- but that was not the sort of thing I expected to hear from a doctor specializing in breast cancer."

"It was sexist, patronizing and a back handed compliment," says Belle. "I doubt whether a female doctor would have made a similar comment about a male patient's appendages."

"My advice to menopausal women is this: Keep away from doctors!"