lumpy, swollen itchy breasts

When Elina, 34, developed an itch on a left breast that was already lumpy and swollen -- in contrast to a right breast that was perfectly normal -- she feared the worst immediately and it wasn't until much later that she joined the dots between her recent weight gain and this new development.

"I saw my doctor immediately and had an ultrasound scan taken -- preliminary to having a breast X-ray -- and as nothing malign came up I was advised to chill out and come back later if the symptoms persisted."

"I know that doctors are busy and 99% of the stuff we see them for is trivial or imaginary," says Elina, "but I expected a bit more advice than that."

"I was particularly going crazy from the itch, trying all sorts of creams without relief," says Elina, "and in desperation I turned to the Internet for advice -- which is not always a good thing to do as you either find something that scares the wits out of you, or someone who is trying to cash in on your misery by selling you something useless or dangerous in other respects."

"Well, I found plenty of stuff that scared the wits out of me because an itchy breast, apparently, is one of the signs of breast cancer, as is a swollen, lumpy breast and discomfort on one side," sighs Elina, "and I started to think that perhaps I should get a second opinion."

"As I familiarized myself with the other signs of breast cancer, though, I calmed down."

"There was no lump or mass present in my armpit, there was no nipple discharge, there was no nipple retraction, there was no change in the appearance of the breast or nipple (no redness, veins or dimples), no hot sensation in the breast, and certainly no weight loss, bone pain, skin ulceration or swelling of one arm)."

"I already knew, of course, that many women have one breast bigger than another and although my breasts had always been the same size I rationalized that as a woman gets older it's not extraordinary that her breasts change in size and shape, and that there’s nothing to be gained from wondering why a left breast rather than a right breast decides to change -- it may have something to do with the way I sleep or a natural left leaning similar to the way men dress to the right or left.”

"Finally, because I had gained quite a bit of weight over the year," explains Elina, "I concluded that this, rather than anything else, may account for the swollen and lumpy left breast. That extra food I’d been eating had to go somewhere!"

"But what about the itch?"

"I removed my bra and took a good look at my breasts and saw a pressure mark across my left breast, right across the nipple, where my bra had squashed my breast."

"I had read somewhere that the best thing you can do for your breasts is to let them hang free," laughs Elina, "and even though the thought of flopping around without a bra was pretty scary, I decided to give it a try."

"You know what? The itch disappeared overnight."

"I guess what I have to do now is to either lose my excess weight or buy a bigger bra, stuffing the right cup with cotton wool to compensate for its smaller size."

"Who would have thought that gaining weight would have resulted in such a silly health crisis," sighs Elina, "but that's what happens when so much media attention is given to breast cancer -- everyone imagines that the slightest change in their breasts is something sinister."

"I'm sure bowel cancer is far more prevalent than breast cancer, and I can understand now why it’s not given as much media attention -- the doctors couldn't stand it," laughs Elina. "With so many fatties around these days, suffering frequent changes in bowel movements, anal itches and endless gas, who'd want to be a doctor dealing with an endless stream of patients worried unnecessarily about bowel cancer?"

"Breast cancer scaremongering is, in contrast, so much nicer, cleaner and easier to deal with," says Elina, "but I have to accept that despite the lucrative aspect of the breast cancer industry it does pick up on early cancers in a minority of women and that's a good thing I suppose.”

“Too bad about those of us destined for bowel cancer!"

unfair criticism of smoking mothers

Azure, 28, gave up smoking when she became pregnant, succeeded in staying a non-smoker for a year but the stresses of returning to work, dealing with childcare, increasing weight gain and a marital breakup caused her to take up the habit again.

"It was so easy to give up smoking when I was pregnant and then breastfeeding," says Azure. "I also gave up alcohol, coffee and just about every other food or drink that might harm my baby."

"My whole life revolved my baby and that's what nature intended me to do," laughs Azure, "but nature was no help when it came to ensuring my own survival."

"My husband complained that I'd put on too much weight and was neglecting him, my employer complained that I'd taken too much time off work and my childcare provider complained that I expected too much from her."

"Is it any wonder -- with all of these pressures -- that women are smoking more, or drinking more or just going crazy?" asks Azure. "And now I have the additional burden of being criticized for smoking in front of my child."

"Oh, give me a break everyone!" sighs Azure. "I grew up with two smoking parents and none of us kids was harmed. The only reason I quit when pregnant was to give my baby the very best start to life. It probably wasn't necessary to quit smoking completely, but I wanted to be a perfect mom."

"Why aren't these people criticizing my ex-husband for deserting me, my employer for pressuring me back to work with the threat of terminating me if I didn't and my childcare provider for not taking care of my baby properly?"

"Sure, it was my decision to start smoking again but the alternative would have been far worse for me, my baby and you, the taxpayers," confides Azure. "I would have gone crazy, and I mean it. My baby would have been put into foster care at state expense and I would have been put into a mental health hospital also at state expense."

"Right now, with the help of a pack of cigarettes daily, I'm holding down a responsible job, paying far more in taxes than a non-smoker and my baby and I are happy and well," says Azure. "Thankfully, I'm also back to my pre-pregnancy weight and now that my husband has gone there's no more alcohol in my life."

"A success story? Well, not according to the anti-smoking activists who want to paint me as a loser and a lousy mother because I smoke."

"Possibly I could have achieved the same calming result with Prozac or some other drug," muses Azure, "but with a baby to take care of I wasn't going to risk becoming a drug addict, legally prescribed or otherwise."

"Sure, cigarettes are a drug, what the hell isn't?" sighs Azure. "Bottom line is that they don't mess with my mind like alcohol and other stuff does."

"When I take my baby out for a stroll I hate it when I have to walk by traffic caught in a jam, each vehicle emitting toxic fumes right at the level of my baby's nose," says Azure. "What is the government doing about this? Don't tell me that my smoking well above the level of my baby's head and mostly in the open air is worse than vehicle pollution?"

"And don't tell me that having a cigarette is more harmful to me and my baby than having a drink," says Azure. "Look at Britney Spears to see what harm can befall a baby when a mom drinks."

"Binge drinking is almost encouraged in our society and I think a drinking mom is far more harmful to her children than a smoking mom," says Azure. "I've never heard of a baby being born with fetal nicotine syndrome -- and my mom smoked heavily when she was pregnant with me -- but fetal alcohol syndrome is really nasty and it's on the rise."

"I am dreading the day when my baby starts school," grimaces Azure. "I know that children are being taught -- by teachers presumably with no vices whatsoever, not -- that parents who smoke are guilty of child abuse, death and destruction and every evil imaginable and that they should report their smoking parents to the authorities."

"Get off my case all you nasty people who criticize me for smoking," cries Azure. "And as for the government, I want to know how much the alcohol, oil and fast-food industries are paying it to keep up the pressure on smokers and well away from them."

"I tried to be a perfect mom and look where it got me," adds Azure. "Perfect moms only exist in a perfect society."

"Don't anyone dare tell me they care about my baby's health because if they did they'd stop men criticizing wives for putting on weight, they'd stop forcing moms to put babies into childcare and go to work, and they'd slap men into prison for deserting their wives and children."