getting over miscarriage

Lindell is 24 and in two years of marriage has suffered two miscarriages. Any other woman might be distraught with this sort of bad luck - along with Lindell's sad childhood history of neglect - but she believes in getting over things and getting on with life. She's tough!

"I know too many women who are ruining their lives- and boring the crap out of the rest of us - with all their moans and groans about how badly life has treated them from birth onwards," snaps Lindell, "and I'm definitely not going to get sucked into becoming a similar sad sack."

"These women are pathetic because they are living in the past and missing out on the present and the future - how silly is that?"

"Can't they see that the circumstances that once brought them bad luck no longer exist?"

"At my last job there was a woman whose husband and three kids had been wiped out in a car smash," says Lindell. "Everyone tip-toed around her and I did, too, until I discovered that the fatal accident had been ten years ago - not last month!"

"She was a bad tempered woman and by tip-toeing around her my co-workers were enabling her to remain in the past and capitalize on her misfortunes," explains Lindell. "Sure she gained a payoff from living in the past, but what sort of payoff is pity when she could have spent the last ten years being a happy woman with a great life being admired rather than pitied by everyone?"

"I'm not saying that all the moaners and groaners out there are profiting from their miseries," says Lindell. "Most of them are just pathetic sad sacks who can't see the wood for the trees and need a good kick in the butt to kick start them out of the past."

"Sure I was disappointed when I lost two babies," says Lindell, "but that was then and I got over it - and I'll get over it if it happens again. I get over everything in my life by making a conscious choice to be happy. That's all it is - a choice."

"As I see it," says Lindell, "we are rivers and the water that flows through us is our life. Sometimes the water is muddy or turbulent or downright stinking but it keeps on flowing because that's what rivers do."

"You don't see rivers trying to stop the waters flowing or trying to shore up their banks or trying to dredge their beds," says Lindell, "and yet you see plenty of people trying vainly to do such silly things."

"Flowing water - or life - does all that needs to be done."

"Just like rivers keeps flowing so do our lives - and to hang on to memories is useless because they're gone. We are the river but the water flowing through us is constantly different - our circumstances are always changing."

"Water erodes river banks and widens them," says Lindell, "and that's natural, isn't it? We all age and change shape - but we are still the river."

"It's ridiculous to cry over the first rock that bumped down our river bed or the first deluge that flooded us or the first pollutant that poisoned us," laughs Lindell, "because there are going to be many more such incidents before we dry up."

"I hate it when people say 'if things don't kill us they make us strong'," says Lindell, "because this is manifestly untrue. We start dying the day we are born and the more things that hit us the weaker - not stronger - we become."

"Some women lead charmed lives compared to the rest of us," sighs Lindell. "They are born without defects into supportive families, they marry loving men and have trouble free children."

"Don't tell me that I am going to be stronger than a woman like that because I survived a bad childhood and two miscarriages and she didn't," says Lindell.

"And don't tell me that a woman born with physical defects who suffered child abuse and marital abuse and all of her children were born with worse physical defects than hers is going to be stronger than me because of her misfortunes."

"All it means is that she is more experienced than the rest of us."

"Being experienced in the miseries of life doesn't make you stronger than someone who's miraculously escaped misfortunes," claims Lindell. "It just makes you experienced - and less strong and less attractive because of what you've been through."

"If surviving misery were a strong and attractive trait then why do people treat as lepers the victims of any catastrophe?"

"Let's face it," says Lindell, "we all have a choice when the chips are down - we can dwell on the misery of our lives or get over it."

"By getting over it I can assume the serenity of a woman without experience of misery," says Lindell, "but I can never assume that my experience of misery makes me stronger or more attractive than her."

"Her river bed is smooth and mine is full of craters - her banks are pristine and mine are badly eroded. She is a different river from me but we both flow - and flowing is what life is all about."

"I couldn't care less whether it's karma or God's will or the stupidity of my parents or my own foolishness that caused my misfortunes," says Lindell.

"Whatever happened in my past is past - it's over - and I flow through life by getting over the bad times - putting in all behind me - and living in the present. That's what survival is all about as far as I'm concerned."

"I don't learn much from my mistakes," laughs Lindell. "I don't see the point of mulling over things and trying to protect myself from things that may or may not happen to me."

"I live life to the full and if I'm hit by a rock or flooded with miseries I get over it."

"I just pick myself up brush myself down and get on with life," laughs Lindell. "And yes we're trying again for another baby - wouldn't you?"

health problems of welfare moms

Amanda refused to have an abortion when she fell pregnant at the age of 16, and opted instead to become a welfare mom – trapped in a never ending cycle of poverty and casual jobs, giving all of her energy to raising her daughter.

"I've developed a lot of problems with my teeth and gums since having my baby," sighs Amanda, "and because I can't afford proper dental care I'll probably lose all of my teeth by the time I'm thirty.”

“It's nothing to do with hygiene - I'm fussy about brushing - and it's nothing to do with diet, either, because I don't eat junk,” says Amanda. “It's just constant stress and worries about work and debt that's robbing my body of the nutrients it needs."

“Even if I could afford to visit oral professionals I doubt whether it would help me,” explains Amanda. “You can’t buy a stress-free life, can you?”

“It’s dealing with stress that’s my main problem,” explains Amanda. “If I had a regular job with decent pay, and had no debts, I would be so much happier and healthier and would be able to raise my daughter in a nicer place than the one we have now.”

“More than anything else I need to be a strong healthy mom for my daughter,” says Amanda, “and I just wish the community could do more to make life for single moms less stressful – fast tracking us into regular jobs would be good, but with so many other people out of work these days, I guess we don’t count.”

Read more about Amanda’s story:

bleak future on welfare

a wasted education?

burdens and blessings

a child raising a child

I didn't know I was pregnant!

Cancerians, motherly types?

abortion or welfare?

sleep deprived moms

With the birth of her second child, a boy, Dominique's life changed dramatically. He was a perpetual screamer who slept only in short naps, and Dominique's physical and mental health deteriorated greatly from sleep deprivation lasting years and the constant noise the baby made. The stress felt by the whole family eventually led to her marriage breaking down.

"Compared to the pregnancy, birth and early months of my daughter my son Preston caused me trouble from the start," sighs Dominique.

"My joy at being pregnant soon turned to dismay when I started to pile on the pounds," says Dominique. "I ballooned from 110 lbs to 140 lbs in three months and by the end of the pregnancy I was 180 lbs."

"I've never had a weight problem so everyone was amazed when I started to put on so much weight and my doctor hadn't seen anything like it before in his life either," relates Dominique.

"He gave me regular tests and since I was otherwise healthy he told me not to worry - I'd lose it all after the birth - and that was true! What I took 9 months to put on dropped off within six weeks."

"Don't let anyone tell you that boy pregnancies are no different from girl pregnancies," says Dominique. "And don't let anyone tell you that boy babies are no different from girl babies."

"It was almost as if Preston was forcing me to store every morsel of food I ate rather than to eliminate it," says Dominique. "And yes I developed horrific hemorrhoids due to constipation."

"At six months I couldn't see my feet and because the cat nearly tripped me up going down the stairs one day my husband gave it to a work colleague to take care of - but we never got the cat back because things went from bad to worse after Preston was born."

"My sleep became disturbed very early in the pregnancy" says Dominique. "My husband had to move out of our bed to sleep on the sofa in the nursery because Preston was kicking me so much - and on the sofa in the nursery is where my husband stayed from then on until he got fed up with it all and left me."

"Preston's birth was induced - my obstetrician was a top guy and had strict hours for deliveries - and I wish he had given me the option for a caesarian because the whole thing was horrible - so unlike my daughter's natural birth."

"After the induction I went from casual cramps to violent cramps and then I was given an epidural and after several hours Preston was delivered by forceps - he was 10 lbs."

"At last all my troubles were over - or so I thought."

"Preston was very unsettled at the hospital - breast feeding was hopeless - so I took him home early in order to get him and myself settled into a familiar routine."

"From the minute we walked into our house Preston started screaming - and he kept it up on and off until he was about four years old."

"My husband was marvelous in the first two days - he took over almost total care of the kids while I got some sleep - and then he went back to work and I went stark raving mad listening to Preston screaming all day and all night."

"He'd never cry like a normal baby - he just screamed and screamed and screamed - and he would never sleep for more than an hour."

"No sooner than I had got him to sleep - and fell asleep myself - he would be awake screaming again. For twenty four hours every day for about four years this was to be the pattern of my life."

"We tried everything the doctor suggested in order to get Preston settled - we changed his formula to soy milk. We gave him colic mixtures. We moved him from a bassinet to a cot to my bed. We took him on long drives. We rocked him for hours. We bought every conceivable contraption and toy to distract his attention. The list of things we tried was endless."

"Kindly friends suggested I had post-natal depression and was imagining things," says Dominique, "but when I left Preston with a girlfriend for a few hours she changed her tune and couldn't wait to hand him back."

"My husband left me because he couldn't concentrate on work with so much drama going on at home," sighs Dominique. "By then, I actually didn't care whether he was there or not. We hadn't had sex since I'd fallen pregnant with Preston, and I dreaded the thought of getting pregnant again."

"Preston is at school now and sleeps for a maximum of six hours a night," says Dominique. "He is none the worse for whatever caused him to scream all that time. He's just one of those extraordinary people who don't need as much sleep as the rest of us."

"I have always needed eight hours of sleep every night," says Dominique, "so I am still suffering sleep deprivation even though I catch up with naps during the day."

"As a result of Preston's arrival into my life I have gone from a well-adjusted young woman into a nervous wreck. I can't bear to hear a baby crying - even softy - and I am so thankful that I am no longer in a situation where I am likely to get pregnant again."

"I never sought help for my nervous disorders because no drug will ever repair the damage of years of sleep deprivation and sensory assault," says Dominique, "and it's pointless blaming my husband, or Preston, for ruining my life."

"Our daughter, my firstborn, really enhanced the marriage, bringing my husband and I closer together than ever," explains Dominique. "But Preston drove us apart."

"It's the luck of the draw, I suppose, whether a baby makes or breaks a marriage."

nature knows best

Martha is 54, raising two children under ten, and considers herself blessed that she had children later rather than earlier in life. She wants to assure all women in their forties who've received dire warnings from their doctors against pregnancy at such an old age that they have nothing to fear.

"Nature knows what she is doing as far as female health matters are concerned and old eggs don't necessarily mean damaged eggs."

"I was 45 when I had my first son and 47 when I had the second one," says Martha, "and I never even noticed when I turned 50 - I was far too busy!"

Martha's husband, Bob, is 64 so there is quite a generation gap in their household.

"The age difference between my husband and I - and the children - means nothing," asserts Martha.

"Bob and I look years younger than our chronological ages and we're the happiest little family you could ever meet."

"I honestly believe that having children later in life is the way to go," confides Martha.

"Up until I was 44 and married Bob I had a glorious life as a single woman," says Martha.

"I did everything I ever wanted to do and when I looked around and discovered that I had achieved all I had set out to achieve it was time to think about settling down and having children."

"At 54, Bob had lead a similar action packed single life and was ready to settle down, too."

"Sure," says Martha, "I took the risk that we couldn't have children - that I'd left it too late - but we would have resorted to medical intervention to get our kids if that had been the case."

"It obviously wasn't the case," laughs Martha. "I had no trouble having my two boys and because I could afford to hire a nanny and a housekeeper to help me over the early years I didn't get frazzled."

"When you have children later in life you're going to be a lot better off financially than you were at 20," says Martha. "and that's another good reason to delay motherhood."

"I couldn't have done it in poverty - at 20 or 45!"

"The best thing about late motherhood is that I look and feel ten years younger," beams Martha. "Having babies gave me a natural hormone boost."

"There's nothing like young kids to keep you on your toes and I haven't had time to think about all the things that women my age think about."

"My time is fully occupied and I am focusing on the boys rather than myself."

"I'll probably be frazzled in my sixties," laughs Martha, "but right now I am enjoying my fifties to the full thanks to my boys."

"I think the worst possible age for women to have babies is when they are in their thirties," says Martha.

"By the time these women are in their fifties their children have left home and they are at risk of becoming far too introspective for their own good."

"Women who have children in their twenties are still young by the time the kids leave home."

"They can get out there and set the world on fire - do all the things they didn't have time to do before - even start a second family if they want to!"

"A fifties woman in an empty nest - with or without a husband," says Martha, "is at risk of depression because to the world at large her life is over."

"She is too old to start a career and too old to start a family."

"In their fifties, empty-nest mothers have not much to look forward to besides the old aged pension and the old folks home," says Martha.

"That would have been my fate had I got married in my thirties and started a family."

"At 44 when I got married I was at my physical peak," says Martha. "I looked fantastic and my body was like that of a young woman."

"You're not old in your forties but you are old in your fifties if you don't have a young family to keep you alive."

"And I don't mean grandchildren - I mean your own children!"

"Some may call me selfish and say my boys will grow up to hate their old parents," adds Martha, "but that fate awaits most parents whatever their age."

"What kid ever thinks his or her parents are young?"

Martha's story first appeared as late life motherhood

morning after pills

Denise is single, 47 and a dedicated career woman who has sex so infrequently - and opportunistically - that she prefers to rely on the morning after pill than any other form of contraception.

"Let's face it," laughs Denise, "when you're 48 and an opportunity for a hot night with a handsome guy comes your way you're not going to want to spoil the moment with 'things' are you?"

"Even when a guy carries condoms - and uses them," says Denise, "I play safe and take the morning after pill."

"The last thing I need to happen to me at my age is a pregnancy," says Denise, "and while others may say that casual sex carries a lot more risks than pregnancy I disagree with them."

"I believe I have more chance of getting pregnant from a casual sexual encounter with a guy than I do getting an STD."

"I say this because the guys I am most likely to have casual sex with are married men who are unlikely to be riddled with diseases."

"They are out of town salesmen attending conventions and the first thing they want to show me is pictures of their wives and kids," laughs Denise. "They want a bit of fun while they are away from home - but they don't want to risk going with a prostitute. They feel as safe with me as I feel with them as far as STDs are concerned."

"Pregnancy is a different issue - and that's the one that concerns me. Yes, even at my age!"

"When I was younger and more sexually active I took the pill," says Denise. "But it's a bit silly at my age - when I may only have sex twice a year - to be popping a contraceptive pill every day."

"For the same reason, carrying around a cap or a tube of spermicide in my handbag is a bit over the top, too."

"The morning after pill is the very best sort of protection for me because I am in total control of my body."

"I think it is also guarantees a better result than any other mode of contraception."

"I have never trusted condoms and I think any women who relies on a man to protect her from pregnancy needs her head read."

"Sure, taking the morning after pill has some unpleasant side-effects," says Denise, "but at my age I am already putting up with hormone swings and irregular periods so what's new?"

"I'd rather have a hot night with a guy, be blooming the next day and go through a bit of discomfort for a few days after taking the pill miss out on that experience altogether."

"When you have sex irregularly - and opportunistically - like I do," laughs Denise, "you get to really enjoy the experience. And I mean really enjoy it!"

"I have a feeling, too, that being aware of the risk I am taking - in terms of an unwanted pregnancy - heightens the sexual experience."

"I certainly didn't enjoy sex on the 'pill' as much as I enjoy it now," says Denise, "but then I was having a lot more of it - and when you're having a lot of something it does tend to lose its magic, doesn't it?"

"The daily pill was definitely an improvement on what women had to put up with before," says Denise, "but I hated taking that pill every day and for women who are having sex, say once a week, I'd thoroughly recommend using the morning after pill as an alternative."