the sniff test

Rosie is 52, works in a bar that's recently banned patrons and staff like herself who smoke from indulging their habit inside the building, and argues that the resultant increase in pneumonia from smoking outside may far outweigh the incidence of disease from so-called passive smoking.

"We've noticed a lot of our regular smoking patrons are not dropping by any more -- they're angry," says Rosie. "And those who still drop by will drop off one by one when the winter chills come. Either that or they'll catch pneumonia!"

"It's not so bad going out for a smoke in warm weather," says Rosie, "but I may be forced to change my smoking habits when it gets too cold to hang around outside."

"My boss complains about loss of income," says Rosie, "but he's hoping that as the new laws set in a host of non-smoking customers will replace the smokers."

"I hope so, otherwise I won't have a job!"

"Yes, it's pleasant working in a non-smoking atmosphere -- fifty smoking patrons make a hell of a stink even with the best ventilation," laughs Rosie, "but working here is not as jolly as it once was."

"One of our regular patrons is an old woman whose husband once worked here and she swears he died of passive smoking rather than a heart attack," sighs Rosie. "She's really happy about the new anti-smoking laws and believes had they existed fifty years ago her husband would still be alive."

"According to her, the fifty years Joe passively smoked while working in bars was the real cause of his death," says Rosie. "Like us, she had never even heard of passive smoking until the so-called disease was recently created by the anti-smoking lobby so she's grasping at straws!"

"When you're dealing with someone like that you have to make allowances," says Rosie, "but old Joe was 75, drank like a fish and would have died of a heart attack or a cirrhotic liver whether he passively smoked or not."

"Joe never smoked but he never complained of passive smoking," laughs Rosie. "On the contrary, he loved the smokey bar atmosphere and even when he retired he preferred to drink here rather than at home -- and so did his non-smoking wife."

"In fact, none of the bar workers I know complain about passive smoking," says Rosie, "and we laugh about the amazing number of bar workers the government tell us die every year from passive smoking. Who are these bar workers? Why aren't their grieving families taking legal action? Why isn't Joe's wife suing my boss?"

"The fact is that the government figures are pure speculation," laughs Rosie, "The death toll does not refer to real people or real corpses or death certificates that pronounce the cause of death as passive smoking."

"Do people like Joe's wife -- fired by anti-smoking propaganda -- tell the government that their loved one died of passive smoking? asks Rosie. "Is that where the government gets its imaginary death toll from?"

"Either that, or the government derives its toll by guessing the number of drinking smokers in the country and dividing that guess by the number of bar workers in the country," sighs Rosie. "The resultant magic number is then put forward as smoking related deaths."

"The death toll of bar workers might just as well be plucked from thin air -- it's pure speculation or anecdotal," says Rosie, "and in the hands of the anti-smoking crusaders these imaginary figures become indisputable facts which have been used to enact the new laws."

"I'm serious about the pneumonia threat," says Rosie. "It's a risk to go from a warm place to a cold place and then back again, especially when I'll have to breathe in the pollution from passing vehicles when I'm outside having a smoke."

"I can't understand why the government and the anti-smoking crusaders see more harm in passive smoking than in passive pollution inhalation," sighs Rosie. "I'd rather be locked up in an unventilated room with fifty smokers than with one SUV belching out its toxic fumes, wouldn't you?"

"With fifty smokers puffing away I might be crying out for fresh air after five minutes, but with one SUV belching out its toxic fumes I'd be dead in the same time."

"Don't they get it? Or are they using all this passive smoking nonsense to deliberately draw attention away from the real health risks of increased vehicle pollution?"

"Even the greenies don't get it," laughs Rosie. "Forget about global warming, what about our health?"

"Sure, smoking is a dirty drug habit in comparison with drinking and snorting and shooting up," says Rosie, ''but take away cigarette butt litter, ashtrays and the smell of smoke and you've got a pretty benign drug and I'm scared that all this passive smoking nonsense and anti-smoking propaganda is going to drive more kids towards hard drugs."

"I'm all for imposing fines on smoking litterbugs and parents who smoke in confined spaces with little children," says Rosie, "but to impose fines on the owners of private businesses for allowing smoking on their premises is Big Brother gone mad."

"I don't know how many gas guzzling SUVs and vehicles in general are on our roads," says Rosie, "but it's sure going to be a figure vastly greater than the number of smokers in our community."

"If passively inhaling cigarette smoke is harmful, then what is passively inhaling vehicle pollution -- harmless?" asks Rosie. "We can move away from smokers, but how far do we have to move to get away from vehicle pollution -- the North Pole?"

"As far as I'm concerned the government has a right to ban smoking in government workplaces and public buildings and to warn smokers and all drug takers of the risks of their habit," says Rosie. "If it is going to butt it's big nose into private workplaces and personal habits on the basis of trumped up statistics about passive smoking -- without doing anything about increasing vehicle pollution -- then we should all query its motives."

"I challenge any politician or anti-smoking crusader to take the sniff test," laughs Rosie. "Close your eyes, smell the fumes of a belching SUV, then the fumes of a person smoking, judge for yourself which type of smoke makes you feel sicker, then examine your conscience -- and your Swiss bank balance -- and tell me honestly why you're going after smokers and ignoring Big Oil and the motor trade industry."