lumpy, swollen itchy breasts

When Elina, 34, developed an itch on a left breast that was already lumpy and swollen -- in contrast to a right breast that was perfectly normal -- she feared the worst immediately and it wasn't until much later that she joined the dots between her recent weight gain and this new development.

"I saw my doctor immediately and had an ultrasound scan taken -- preliminary to having a breast X-ray -- and as nothing malign came up I was advised to chill out and come back later if the symptoms persisted."

"I know that doctors are busy and 99% of the stuff we see them for is trivial or imaginary," says Elina, "but I expected a bit more advice than that."

"I was particularly going crazy from the itch, trying all sorts of creams without relief," says Elina, "and in desperation I turned to the Internet for advice -- which is not always a good thing to do as you either find something that scares the wits out of you, or someone who is trying to cash in on your misery by selling you something useless or dangerous in other respects."

"Well, I found plenty of stuff that scared the wits out of me because an itchy breast, apparently, is one of the signs of breast cancer, as is a swollen, lumpy breast and discomfort on one side," sighs Elina, "and I started to think that perhaps I should get a second opinion."

"As I familiarized myself with the other signs of breast cancer, though, I calmed down."

"There was no lump or mass present in my armpit, there was no nipple discharge, there was no nipple retraction, there was no change in the appearance of the breast or nipple (no redness, veins or dimples), no hot sensation in the breast, and certainly no weight loss, bone pain, skin ulceration or swelling of one arm)."

"I already knew, of course, that many women have one breast bigger than another and although my breasts had always been the same size I rationalized that as a woman gets older it's not extraordinary that her breasts change in size and shape, and that there’s nothing to be gained from wondering why a left breast rather than a right breast decides to change -- it may have something to do with the way I sleep or a natural left leaning similar to the way men dress to the right or left.”

"Finally, because I had gained quite a bit of weight over the year," explains Elina, "I concluded that this, rather than anything else, may account for the swollen and lumpy left breast. That extra food I’d been eating had to go somewhere!"

"But what about the itch?"

"I removed my bra and took a good look at my breasts and saw a pressure mark across my left breast, right across the nipple, where my bra had squashed my breast."

"I had read somewhere that the best thing you can do for your breasts is to let them hang free," laughs Elina, "and even though the thought of flopping around without a bra was pretty scary, I decided to give it a try."

"You know what? The itch disappeared overnight."

"I guess what I have to do now is to either lose my excess weight or buy a bigger bra, stuffing the right cup with cotton wool to compensate for its smaller size."

"Who would have thought that gaining weight would have resulted in such a silly health crisis," sighs Elina, "but that's what happens when so much media attention is given to breast cancer -- everyone imagines that the slightest change in their breasts is something sinister."

"I'm sure bowel cancer is far more prevalent than breast cancer, and I can understand now why it’s not given as much media attention -- the doctors couldn't stand it," laughs Elina. "With so many fatties around these days, suffering frequent changes in bowel movements, anal itches and endless gas, who'd want to be a doctor dealing with an endless stream of patients worried unnecessarily about bowel cancer?"

"Breast cancer scaremongering is, in contrast, so much nicer, cleaner and easier to deal with," says Elina, "but I have to accept that despite the lucrative aspect of the breast cancer industry it does pick up on early cancers in a minority of women and that's a good thing I suppose.”

“Too bad about those of us destined for bowel cancer!"