depression or healthy misery?

After the death of her husband, Mark, Emily couldn’t believe that friends were urging her to start dating, to find another man. All she wanted to do was wallow in misery.

“Had I followed their advice I would have been used and abused by some guy,” says Emily. “I was far too vulnerable to expose myself to another man, and I wallowed in misery for about ten months after Mark died, and that was the healthy thing for me to do.”

"Yes," laughs Emily, "there is good healthy misery! I had every right to feel sad about what had happened to me. I had lost a man around whom I had built my life and future happiness. These losses are worthy of time spent in grief."

"I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of worthlessness when Mark died," says Emily. "I felt that I will never love again, and that nobody will ever love me again. Self-esteem usually hits rock bottom during the depression phase of recovery."

"To make matters worse," says Emily, "during this stage everyone around you is scolding you for not getting out there and setting the world on fire. They mean well, they hate to see you so sad, but if you take their advice and start looking for a new life the chances are good that you will end up in a situation that will demoralize you even further."

"There is something about vulnerability that causes all manner of misfortunes to happen to us," she explains, "and while others may try to cajole us into finding a new husband before we have had a chance to grieve we need to understand that starting a new relationship is also a stressful experience and as such might tip our stress scales towards illness."

"When you’ve lost your partner," says Emily, "you have already experienced a shock to your system. You don’t need another one. I believe in avoiding further stress at all costs. It’s the spiritual way to go."

"Ever heard of trouble coming in threes?" asks Emily. “Whether you’ve lost your partner or suffered a major life crisis, the last thing you need is another life crisis to tip you over the edge into the realm of developing a serious illness – that’s why wallowing in misery is a healthy thing to do, for as long as you feel a need to do it.”

Read more about Emily:

till death do us part

surviving death of a loved one

young widow moves forward